I sometimes feel that I am just another tragic character in life, lost in the bowels of the Mental Health System. I feel that I could be that one-percent who make it out - unscathed? No, but at least with a career and hopefully a voice.

I, a twenty-year-old, have spent about half of my life in the MHS (Mental Health System.) People don't understand how much I go through everyday, and don't understand how hard it is to be ill. I've been diagnosed with over fifteen labels, some being overturned by other psychiatrists/therapists. I appreciate all of their advice, comments, and honest evaluations; but it still hurts that I haven't really been able to talk.

I wish I was able to scream... just find a little green pasture in the country, and play all the songs my deceased father would listen to, and just SCREAM. I want my dad back. I want my lost baby back. I want my sanity back. I want my rights AND voice BACK. 

I would run, scream, bang my head on the dirt. Cry, laugh, and maybe find closure. I want nature. I want to run away. I love my psychiatrist & therapist, but I just want to run from it all - maybe find a new place to rest my weary, dream-less brain. Please.

I wish. I wish. 

Maybe, it would heal. It could hurt, but how much more pain could I ever feel? I am so gone. I feel positively dissociated - meaning, I don't even fucking remember what I had for breakfast, lunch... nope, I just can't. I feel so much support from my fiance, mother, MHS team. But sometimes the biggest support is missing ... myself. I really don't know how to heal when I can't even help myself enough to brush my teeth. Showering? Nope. 

I can't even read my mail. My eyes scan, but I retain NOTHING.

I used to try to find a meaning; like religion, spirituality. I tried to make an identity. I tried to fit in, too. I tried everything, succeeding at nothing.

Maybe it's time for that trip I've been planning; Just going around, playing music on the street; driving around, drinking rounds, and finding who I am through trials & tribulation.

I wish I could just gather the balls and leave. Up and go. Travel through the countryside; maybe go to Canada? I loved that place. 

I wish.

I wish.

I feel it's going to help with my mental health. Hopefully shit works out and I become okay. I wish I'd believe in myself, I think that's the key to getting better, maybe? Not sure. Well, any-who ; that's for a different post.

I feel blogging is a helpful way to find camaraderie in people you wouldn't assume would be friendly; you may even think they'll be judgmental. But it's nice to see others, despite their cool appearance, have the same feelings as a loser like me.

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